May 162010

When I first found the BDSM lifestyle I quickly realized that I connected more to the D/s side that the S/m side. Although I’m discovering more about how the pain and pleasure of play suit me with each new experience, there’s no doubt that it’s the exchange of power and energy that I crave, even within the realm of play. I make no bones about it, loss of control is my main fetish. It’s on any profile I have. It’s the main topic in the majority of my writing. I often say that I don’t want to exchange power, I want it stripped from me. Although quite a bit of negotiation goes into S/m play, once those negotiations have been set, I tend to let go, trusting in the hands I’ve put myself in as long as the energy is good.

When I was brand new and learning the most basic terminologies of  the lifestyle and the subject of ‘aftercare’ was introduced to me, it was explained as a basic ‘chill out time’ after play that some people needed and some didn’t. The first time I received it and the first time I didn’t, I quickly realized it was much more than that.

Because loss of control is such a big part of play and my headspace, I tend to stay in that headspace through the time after play. I’ve never really voiced any opinion of aftercare, just going with the flow of how the Dom I’m with wants to work. If he gives, I love it. If he doesn’t, it’s a huge letdown, but I don’t say anything. I’ve always just eaten that sad feeling and been grateful for what good came of the play, feeling as if he had wanted to hold me, he would have. I struggle with that… asking for physical closeness. I never want to have to ask for that, especially as a submissive. It seems too strange. Afterall, if I’ve submitted to play with a Dom and he actually wanted to hold me afterwards, wouldn’t he?

While thinking about this post over the past few days I’ve started to realize how important aftercare really is to me, although I’ve always had a hard time expressing it and that’s mainly due to my issues with being held and touched by people who I weren’t sure wanted to hold or touch me. I’ve posted before about how hard it is for me to express my emotional needs. If someone doesn’t want to hold me then I would never want them to. I can’t imagine stating aftercare as a need and someone holding me who would rather not be giving aftercare. I pick up on that energy and aftercare gone bad would ruin even the best of scenes for me.

In a perfect world, I’d like for aftercare to be comforting and secure. After coming down, I enjoy discussing different aspects of the scene and reinforcing a positive experience for both myself and the Dom. Being held and shown tenderness after an intense scene is reassuring to me  as long as it’s never rushed, always sincere, and just as important for the Dom as it is for me.

May 112010


You are starving to receive and you are aching to give; when you know what it feels like to receive and to be allowed to give you will never be the same again.

I don’t want to be the same. I don’t ever want to feel this way again. I feel as if I’m stuck inside a cage, and I can’t get out. No one can see me or hear me but You. Help me… Please? Help me!

It will be like opening up the floodgates; there is no turning back.

Then let there be a flood. I wouldn’t wish this trapped feeling on anyone. I want out. Please.

Not because of me but because of what we will have unleashed inside you.

Can’t you see that what you are is what it takes to unlock whatever it is that keeps me inside this cage that I’m in?

I promise one thing, though; it is not about making you comfortable or taking it easy on you, but you will always know that I cherish you and that I desire you deeply. I just happen to express it more… enthusiastically than others.

Come get me … Please.

May 102010

I wish I was in love with nightmares

Because nightmares are in love with me

They bring me my tears

They feed off my fears

Their wicked kisses won’t let me be


 I wish I was in love with nightmares

Because nightmares are in love with me

They slip out of my head

They dance ’round my bed

Forcing me to submit so passionately


 I wish I was in love with nightmares

Because nightmares are in love with me

The lick of the whip

Thickness of the tip

I can run but I can never leave


 I wish I was in love with nightmares

Because nightmares are in love with me

I cry for days

It’s their evil ways

The marks they leave no one can ever see

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May 102010

Trust is like a piece of paper, once it’s been crumpled up, it can never be completely flattened out again. It can never be thin and perfect. It can never flutter beautifully and be new. It’s it’s used and creased in a thousand places. Any tiny emotion can hide and fester in the many crevices. Thus begins …The Trust Issue.

I have to wonder if trust will ever stay fully intact (like that perfect sheet of paper) in any kind of real, long-lasting, honest relationship. There are bound to be a few, if even unintentional, dents and dings to it from time to time. It takes strength to stay with someone when the flowers aren’t in full bloom.

It’s often easier to give someone a second chance than to face the fact that once trust is gone, it’s incredibly hard to get back. The question of whether or not you can trust again can come quickly into play. Often, as soon as an incident has occurred and before both parties (especially the offended party) has time to process the incident; and the many emotions relating to it. One has to recover from the incident which caused the dents and dings to begin with.


Be angry.

Get some space.

There’s no pressure to commit to jumping back into trusting anyone. Take your time and feel each emotion associated with the incident that occurred. Don’t let anything fester inside you that might resurface later and turn into baggage, poisoning relationships in the future.

Personally, I just need some time to hurt before I can think about giving someone the chance to dent me again. The fact that you can stay after any ding or dent to the trust that’s already been established says that you have confidence in what you’ve built together. It says that you believe that whatever might have happened to cause the dings or dents in the trust that you had originally built weren’t done maliciously and can be forgiven in hopes of better things to come.

I found myself thinking about how one might prevent from subconsciously building a wall there to guard against any bigger damage. How do you not replay and then resent the dings and dents until you find yourself making them bigger? I think taking your time and working through them is the best answer. If you really want something, you have to work for it, right?

It ain’t easy to invest in another person, especially when they’re asking you and really wanting you to say ‘yes,’ and everyone knows that it’s always harder to tell someone ‘no’, regardless if it’s better for you in the long run. Let’s face it, the majority of us tend to think with our hearts. We give in.

Instead, let me ask you this… “Why should I offer anymore of myself into someone who threw away my initial investment?” It pretty much goes against everything I preach to my mirror about self worth and the importance of knowing who you are and what you stand for. Where do you draw the line? Who do you cross that line for?

“Truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”~ Bob Marley

May 092010


I’m constantly hearing about ‘exposing the vanillas to the kinky lifestyle’ and how careful everyone should be about it. They need to be handled with kid gloves so as not to offend them. God forbid we have them judge us for what we do.

I was at a party with those who were kinky and kink friendly this weekend. I can say that I learned a few things, mostly about myself. On the long drive home I had time to process some of my feelings about some of the things that happened, and I came to realize that public play in a place where people aren’t educated enough about the lifestyle to know not to interrupt a scene in order to ask where the bathroom is …just isn’t for me.

So why can’t common sense reign and common courtesy reign supreme?  I feel disappointed that those in the lifestyle tend to look at the nillas as the ones who need to be shown concern for.  What about my right to not be offended by their ignorance of my lifestyle choices? Of course, since D/s & BDSM isn’t mainstream. That dog won’t hunt, according to some. However, according to me, that dog hunts just fucking fine and here’s why…

Everyone has to find there own niche in this lifestyle. Some people are interested in educating the masses and opening minds. Some people are content with expanding a few ripe minds to their furthest reaches. Sensations, physical,  emotional, sexual, and everything in between are up for grabs. At this point, I’m trying only to move forwards in what can be an intensely satisfying, yet extremely emotionally tiring  journey that I desperately want to go on. If I don’t connect there, I’m not going to connect anywhere else.

I’m not involved in this lifestyle because it’s fun. ‘Fun’ is not a good way to describe the way I feel when I’m being petted or held by someone who has taken control over me. That’s not ‘fun.’ That’s peaceful and complete happiness. No other feeling can compare to it.  I lose tears each time I think about how often I’ve wanted to feel that way.

No one is going to walk up to you and give you what you want, but no one has the right to take anything away from you either.

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