When I first found the BDSM lifestyle I quickly realized that I connected more to the D/s side that the S/m side. Although I’m discovering more about how the pain and pleasure of play suit me with each new experience, there’s no doubt that it’s the exchange of power and energy that I crave, even within the realm of play. I make no bones about it, loss of control is my main fetish. It’s on any profile I have. It’s the main topic in the majority of my writing. I often say that I don’t want to exchange power, I want it stripped from me. Although quite a bit of negotiation goes into S/m play, once those negotiations have been set, I tend to let go, trusting in the hands I’ve put myself in as long as the energy is good.
When I was brand new and learning the most basic terminologies of the lifestyle and the subject of ‘aftercare’ was introduced to me, it was explained as a basic ’chill out time’ after play that some people needed and some didn’t. The first time I received it and the first time I didn’t, I quickly realized it was much more than that.
Because loss of control is such a big part of play and my headspace, I tend to stay in that headspace through the time after play. I’ve never really voiced any opinion of aftercare, just going with the flow of how the Dom I’m with wants to work. If he gives, I love it. If he doesn’t, it’s a huge letdown, but I don’t say anything. I’ve always just eaten that sad feeling and been grateful for what good came of the play, feeling as if he had wanted to hold me, he would have. I struggle with that… asking for physical closeness. I never want to have to ask for that, especially as a submissive. It seems too strange. Afterall, if I’ve submitted to play with a Dom and he actually wanted to hold me afterwards, wouldn’t he?
While thinking about this post over the past few days I’ve started to realize how important aftercare really is to me, although I’ve always had a hard time expressing it and that’s mainly due to my issues with being held and touched by people who I weren’t sure wanted to hold or touch me. I’ve posted before about how hard it is for me to express my emotional needs. If someone doesn’t want to hold me then I would never want them to. I can’t imagine stating aftercare as a need and someone holding me who would rather not be giving aftercare. I pick up on that energy and aftercare gone bad would ruin even the best of scenes for me.
In a perfect world, I’d like for aftercare to be comforting and secure. After coming down, I enjoy discussing different aspects of the scene and reinforcing a positive experience for both myself and the Dom. Being held and shown tenderness after an intense scene is reassuring to me as long as it’s never rushed, always sincere, and just as important for the Dom as it is for me.