Oct 122014

I usually write erotica for Wicked Wednesday. When the words “Bad Sex” popped up on the screen, I shook my fist at the Gods of Honesty and gave into the fact that I was about to bust out the truth on a drunk Englishman. I’ve been dying to tell this story to someone, anyway. It might as well be the pervy people who read my blog.

1. I don’t judge. I don’t count your drinks. You do you.

Here’s the quick and dirty:

The bathroom was dark. The first room I walked into was barely even lit. I couldn’t tell that he was hammered. He used scarf-like ties to secure my wrists to either side of the towel stand in the bathroom. That was a disappointment. He was known to be a heavy player. I’m a heavy player. So the fucking scarf ties were all sensual and 50 Shades. Not my thing. I didn’t think it was his thing.

I wore heels. I’m 5’5, so almost 5’9. So here I am, strapped to this towel thing, above the toilet, and he comes at me with an Hitachi. Ohhh, I’m thinking I might get something out of this after all. The Drunk Englishman proceeds to tease me with it – between my left pussy lip and my inner thigh. Hmm. This is a new technique. Maybe this is just something he likes to do. It’s not really working on me, but, Ok.

Then he gets a little grind to it. And I realize… This drunk Englishman thinks he’s in my pussy.  I don’t care how drunk you are, there is no clit on my leg. You can’t wish it. You can’t smoke anything that makes you think that it’s there.

Back to it.

So I’m trying not to laugh. And at that point, I still don’t know that’s he’s piss drunk. He’s holding his own quite well. I’m just wondering if this guy is really as bad at getting the sexy and kinky on. And he’s still grinding. What do I do? He’s NOT stopping. He’s determined to drill an orgasm out of leg. I’m trying to pull back and then squirm my pussy around ONTO the toy. NOPE, He wasn’t having it.

The ties are a joke. I’m holding on to the towel stand, hoping the ties don’t fall off. As a rule, I don’t fake orgasms, but I was debating using it as an exit strategy, considering the chafing.

2. Here’s my lesson (and thank GOD I learned it through humor and not horror.) – It’s your decision who you play with. The condition of people you play with is extremely important.

Wicked Wednesday

  11 Responses to “A New Technique”

  1. Oh dear what a let down!

    One of our “rules” is no drink or drugs when playing with others (or ourselves for that matter)!

    ~Mia~ xx

  2. We have the same rules as Rebel… no drinking or drugs…. a glass of wine is one thing but anything more than that and it is a no go


  3. Definitely no excessive drinking or drugs before or during play!

    But this made me smile… oh, if men miss the spot and don’t even realize they do!

    Rebel xox

  4. I’ve never done drugs, but I’ve had more than my share of drunken sexual dalliances. Some have been fun, but more than a few have been total disasters.

    A few drinks can help with the mood, but being so drunk you can’t remember what, or even if you did is never a good thing.

    Katie xx

  5. Oh my, though funny now I’m sure it wasn’t so at the time. Come to think of it, it may have been the excess alcohol that was the problem with my “Dismount” experience. Regardless, I’m never giving him a second chance to find out.


  6. ‘trying to drill an orgasm out of my leg’ – you did make me laugh, sorry!

  7. I’m trying so hard not to laugh out loud…don’t think the kids would understand why Mom is crying while laughing. Maybe a breathalizer would be a good idea next time, lol.

  8. Wow that really sucked but you are right about the people you play with.

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