I was in the shower. You were leaning against the vanity with your arms crossed over your chest. You were wearing a grey sweatshirt and some jeans or maybe basketball shorts, I can’t remember… just know for sure about the sweatshirt. I was ripping you a new one while I was shaving my legs. my right leg was perched on the edge of the shower. I was in a rush to go meet K. I was blaming you for he and I even being together. I was hateful to you then, but I was so sad. You came over and sat on the toilet seat and set your elbows to your knees and your head in your hands and when I got out of the shower, I wrapped a towel around myself, but hadn’t dried off. With wet hair and the cold air chilling me, I forced my way into your lap, wrapped myself around you and kissed those horrible things away. I kissed your face. God … your face, yours eyes.
I can suck all of your pain away with my lips. Every time I think of you, it always goes back to the same thing… I want to kiss your face. I want to lay you down and touch your face and love you, touch your eyelids with my lips, put my face in your neck and hold you tightly.
Would you sleep like that?
With your head against my breasts, my arms around you, my legs around yours?
I can remember standing there, looking at where I could see this almost taking place and then chastising myself for wasting time, as I’m always late.. Yet I believe I asked him again that day if he’d been reading your blog.
I used to only imagine suffering for you, at your hands.
At some point that changed.
I don’t know why. Now, my focus is more actively loving you. I don’t know if you’ve led a life where you need things in your past sucked out and stomped to death, but I do. How wonderful if one person could eat those things and they could never touch me again. I would do that for you. I think that’s what love is… in an odd way.
I play with the thought of love with others who catch my attention, but deep love, suffering love is amazing…
…what I’ve felt of it.
I am going to meet you one day, I hope.
I would love to suffer for you.
I wanted you to have this last night.
I didn’t want you to go to bed without hearing from me.