I was in the shower. You were leaning against the vanity with your arms crossed. You were wearing a grey sweatshirt and jeans, maybe basketball shorts, I can’t remember. I’m just sure of the sweatshirt.
I was ripping you a new one while shaving my legs. My right leg was perched on the edge of the shower. I was in a rush to go meet K. I was blaming you for he and I even being together. I was hateful to you.
You came over and sat on the toilet seat. Your elbows found your knees. Your head found your hands. I got out of the shower. I wrapped a towel around myself. I hadn’t dried off, though. My hair was wet, and the whole room was so cold to me. I forced my way into your lap, wrapped myself around you and kissed those horrible things away. I kissed your face. God, your face, your eyes.
I can suck all of your pain away with my lips. Every time I think of you, it always goes back to the same thing. I want to kiss your face. I want to lay you down and touch your face and love you, touch your eyelids with my lips, put my face in your neck and hold you tightly.
Would you sleep like that?
With your head against my breasts, my arms around you, my legs around yours?
I can remember standing there, looking at where I could see this almost taking place. I chastise myself for wasting time. I’m always late. I asked him again that day if he’d been reading you.
I used to only imagine suffering for you, at your hands.
At some point that changed.
I don’t know why. Now, my focus is more actively loving you. I don’t know if you’ve led a life where you need things in your past sucked out and stomped to death, but I do. How wonderful if one person could eat those things and they could never touch me again. I would do that for you. I think that’s what love is, in an odd way.
I play with the thought of love with others, but deep love, suffering love, is amazing. What I’ve felt of it.
I am going to meet you one day, I hope.
I would love to suffer for you.
I wanted you to have this last night.
I didn’t want you to go to bed without hearing from me.