Oct 262014

I lost my virginity when I was in my mid-teens. SGirl and I had a lot of friends. We traveled from one group to another. Different groups, different schools, different ages, we were in it. We were there. We did a significant amount of socializing, drinking, and hot-boxing in bathrooms. We were stupid teenagers. Best friends, but fuck, were we stupid.

We both decided that our virginity was not a gift. It was a pain in the ass. We had ignorant discussions about thoughts that terrified us. Most of what we knew about sex came from high school gossip.

“My fucking hymen is going rip, and I’d bleed everywhere. He’s gonna be disgusted and tell all of his friends. Blood will be all over his dick, and me, and wherever we’re fucking. I mean, I think it’s heavy period blood. “

“How long till you stop bleeding?”

“I don’t know.”

“That’s disgusting.”

“You think that’s disgusting, he’ll never want to see you again.”

“We’ve got to find somebody to fuck.”

“But don’t tell them we’re virgins.”

“That’s the plan.”

We stole a box of rainbow condoms and Rice Krispy Treats from a grocery store. We were ready.

We decided that we’d pick a random guy and have sex with him. Do the “one night stand” thing and never have to see the guy again. That would do away with any messy business when we found someone we wanted to date and start fucking. We’d be knowledgeable and experienced by then.

I lost my virginity to Vince. He was a friend of a guy that we started hanging with. The guy looked like he was carved from stone. But his head was full of rocks. I’m fairly positive he was over 21, considering he purchased alcohol with no problem. Alcohol wasn’t the problem the night that SGirl and I decided to go ahead with the plan and get our fucks out of the way. I wanted to be sober. I needed to maneuver through the best I could. Probably, it would have been a better experience had I been passed out cold.

After a full make-out session, and trying multiple times to line it up and go in for the kill, we both had to sit back and have a come-to-Jesus meeting about how his cock is just NOT fitting inside me. No wonder, it was the size of a soda can. At that age, I didn’t know they were made that thick. He would not fit inside of me. Although we tried another dozen times, with no lube. We basically tortured my virginity out of me. Mostly, because I didn’t understand my own vagina. Thanks Mom!

Note to all you virgins out there, who are just trying to kick one out, don’t do it with a guy whose dick is that big. Losing my maidenhood landed me in the emergency room, hemorrhaging. Although my best friend and I still laugh about it today. It was the most embarrassing thing in the word, then.

Wicked Wednesday

  11 Responses to “The Virginity Review”

  1. Oh my god, that sounds like something from a teenage sex comedy. The fact that you it in a onewanted to lose it in a one night stand instead of the cliche “special moment when everything is perfect on prom night” is awesome. Well not awesome like that’s how I would want my niece to do it, but interesting as fuck kind of awesome.

  2. I was just as stupid, viewing my virginity as something that was a pain in the ass, and ready to just be rid of it. And I also landed myself in front of the doctor due to ripping and tearing – they had to cut and cauterize inside to repair the damage.

    At least I am apparently not alone in this idiocy. And at least you had your cohort in crime to know that you weren’t alone.

  3. Oh I wasn’t very clever either when I lost my virginity. I wanted to fall pregnant to get out of school. Couldn’t even re-think the stupid decision as I fell pregnant the same time I lost my virginity :s

    I can imagine how scary it must have been when you ended up at the ER!

    Thanks for sharing :)

    Rebel xox

  4. I didn’t have very many romantic notions about my virginity, either, and, like you, I saw it as something to get out of the way. I can only imagine how you felt ending up in the emergency room but am so glad you’re able to laugh about it now. Sometimes that’s the only way forward when things don’t go quite to plan! Jane xxx

  5. Love this :) funny too

    My first time was in the front of a fiat uno, in 1998 with my first long term BF. Lasted all of 5 mins but back then, it was amazing. Now i look back and just laugh

  6. Jeez, that sounds hellish. Love the way it’s written though!

  7. Jeez, that sounds hellish. Love the way it’s written though!

  8. Sounds like a script for the movies: hilarious and embarrassing at the same time. :-)

    Thanks for sharing!

  9. Oh my that is quite some virginity story… oddly I lost my virginity to a young man who shares the same name as my now husband….


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