Am I Still A Submissive?

19 Nov

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything here. I haven’t really had the mind to do so, but here lately I’ve had the urge but no real inspiration. Today a friend told me to write about how I’m feeling right now. I usually write about what I perceive to be the perfect dominant man ( a Monster ), some random Daddy / girl fantasy – although I have to say that those still constantly ring my bell, and I’ve even posted song lyrics on here. How I’m feeling now is different, though.

To be honest, I feel a little defeated. I’ve been in the lifestyle for about 10 years now and I’ve begun to grow up a little. I can play all I want, but a relationship… Why bother? Im married to a man I love. He’s wonderful. And on the D/s front, I’ve yet to find anyone who can crack open this head of mine and really crawl in.

I’ve always considered myself a submissive because of my desire to submit to someone. Now I find myself wondering if I’m still a submissive if there’s no one to submit to? If I can no longer see myself crossing that line, am I still a submissive? Am I a bottom? Am I just a kinky, mouthy, little girl who likes it rough?

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I’m Trying

9 Oct
I took a break from everything for a while. Actually, a break took me. I’m in a place where I’m learning more about my new self, the person I’m becoming, wanting to becoming. TH calls this process “growing up” – novel idea, right? I’ll be 33 in December. It’s really about time for me to figure out what the fuck is going on, but during these 33 years it seems as if not many of them have been lived expressly for me, and I’m honest and selfish enough to have needed / still sometimes need that time.
You grow up and become a better person, or at least some people do. I’m going to. Stop with people who aren’t good for you, take advantage of you. Lose the friends who just want to party with you and learn to put other things first. Learn to love what needs to be nourished and not what wants attention. I’m on that path. I stumble like fuck. Just last night I let my temper get the best of me and ripped a bad person a new asshole. I don’t want to be a spitter and a cusser anymore. I want to have that cooler head that I’ve (here lately) been training on. Just goes to show you that not everything changes overnight. I’m trying.

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Give In To Me

13 Jul

I’m gonna wear you down
I’m gonna make you see
I’m gonna get to you
You’re gonna give into me

I’m gonna start a fire
You’re gonna feel the heat
I’m gonna burn for you
You’re gonna melt for me

Come on, come on
Into my arms
Come on, come on
Give into me

You’re gonna take my hand
Whisper the sweetest words
And if you’re ever sad
I’ll make you laugh
I’ll chase the hurt

My heart is set on you
I don’t want no one else
And if you don’t want me
I guess I’ll be all by myself

Come on, come on
Into my arms
Come on, come on
Give into me

I’ll use my eyes to draw you in
Until I’m under your skin
I’ll use my lips, I’ll use my arms
Come on, come on, come on
Give into me

Country Strong

13 Jul 
I know you see me
Like some wide eyed dreamer
That just rolled in off a dusty mid west bus
Yeah, on the outside I look fragile
But on the inside is something you can’t crush

Cause I'm country strong
Hard to break
Like the ground I grew up on
You may fool me
And I'll fall
But I won’t stay down long
Cause I’m country strong

I have weathered
Colder winters; Longer summers
Without a drop of rain
Push me in a corner
And I’ll come out fighting
I may lose but I‘ll always keep my faith

Cause I’m country strong
Hard to break
Like the ground I grew up on
You may fool me
And I’ll fall
But I won’t stay down long
Cause I’m country strong

G. Paltrow - Country Strong

The Stuff That Lingers

20 Jun

Yesterday was Father’s day and I got through it pretty well. Actually, it was the best Father’s Day I’ve had since it happened. I chilled and wrote, sketched, chatted with friends and cleaned house a little, took a nap and had two great orgasms. My mind never wandered far from the menial tasks at hand.

Today, however – I woke up to an email about a spanish speaking cuntbag having referred to me and about 5 other Daddy’s girls as ‘pedófilos’. We’ll if that didn’t burn my fucking bacon. I reported it to our Friendly Twitter Swat Team and it was told that @CCC_2011 a bot. *shrugs* I still blocked and cussed it. It made me feel better on some level.

Don’t get me wrong, I know there will always be those people who attack and poke and prod. I know there are different thoughts on how to handle them. You can either ignore them and hope they’ll go away… but I’m just not a supporter of it. Do a douche alert and let everyone know exactly what type of person you’re dealing with. Speak your mind, tell it like it is… then let it go.

The long and the short of it is that my Dad died nine years ago today. It always lingers on or around Father’s Day so the suckage-fest ain’t always easy. He drowned and believe or not (although I live in Alabama) I haven’t been on a lake since. I had plans to go with friends a few weeks back and it just didn’t work out. I figured that if I burst out in tears, I’d rather it be with them than anyone else.

So I’m needy today. I’m not needy for cunt-bots and mean-faces. I’m not needy for sex stuff or ::hugs:: from anyone, just some attention and some chill time. I really want a nap, maybe to spend some time with MGirl later.

I don’t need a great day… just one a little better than last year.

 

 

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Here’s the Truth… (about My Topping)

19 Jun

Here’s the truth.

You have something deep inside you that you don’t want to give anyone… but I smell it.

I can feel it inside you when I stand really close to you and when I look at you, …I can tell then, too.

I have no desire to beat it out of you when just looking and knowing stirs it around so much.

Everyone has their own Topping ‘style’. Last night I had my first real ‘experience’ at mine. I got into my first real Topping headspace and I liked it. I’d played around there before, but last night I visited and I knew that there was a part of me that could really do well there. It’s somewhere I really look forward to going again.

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More Than a Daddy

16 Jun

Even when I say that bad stuff, He smiles.

He’s gonna get me if I don’t shut up.

Daddy’s got that mean stuff like that sometimes.

But I will hide my face and casually leave my ass in the air and squeal when he smacks at it.

Then I will be faux-shocked at his defilement of such an innocent creature

… and tell him about it.

… with a straight face.

…and a voice that most people have never heard & will never hear out of me.

I’m just a babygirl.

 

I want to hide behind him and curl up in his lap.

I want him to pet me and and even feed me bites.

I want him to squish my sammiches flat and rub that sweet part of my ass until my legs spread and I get all blushy blushy.

I like sitting on the floor so I can stretch then crawling over to put my head in his lap.

 

He can sit me down and stop all the noise and I’ll listen.

He can have me in tears in a heartbeat.

 

It’s more than sex.

It’s more than play.

It’s not exactly love, but close…

It’s a special level of care for another person.

 

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This is NOT a Test. These are the answers.

15 Jun 
I’m honest about what I want, but seriously.... 
I’m a girl and that might be different from day to day so *do* 
try to keep up.

Sometimes I’ll say shit like that just to see what you’ll do.

Don’t ignore me or I’ll lose it.

For reals – being ignored – Hard Limit.

If you let it slip, I let you slip.

I get in those moods.

I push.

I need to know that it’s there.

I need the consistency of that really raw, primal, sadistic ‘mine when you don’t want to be’ jama that’s not inside everybody. There seems to be a mysterious line between a Growl and a goddamn bug bite.

I need to feel it even when I can’t see it and you can’t touch me. I need to feel it in that instant when you want me to, or when I know you’d want me to. I really need to be taught how to care about knowing better.

It’s in there.

What I’m asking for is some help in getting it out.

P.S. This is NOT a Test. These are the answers.

Take What You Want

24 May

I like it when You’re watching.

I know that You’re after me.

I know that You’ve found something that You want and You are going to take it.

I’m what You want and You are going to take me.

You’ve made that loud and clear to anyone and anything around and the person with the least to say about it is me.

I’m wet.

You don’t have to be asked. You wouldn’t think of asking me. That’s not You’re style.

You move before I can even think. You think for me and I can’t tell if I like that or not. That’s Your style.

I stay hungry for You.

I love it when You take what You want.

I’m married … and no, it’s not complicated.

9 May

I always knew I was kinky. I just didn’t know that there was a word for it.

When I was 23, I stumbled into ‘the lifestyle’ and had some limited experiences here and there. I met my husband (TH – TwitterSpeak for TheHusband) in 2004 and we were married in 2005. During that time, anything kinky or otherwise – we were doing with each other. My life was going through some major shifts and changes and BDSM took a back burner.

Years later, things settled and the fact that BDSM & D/s is a huge issue in my life came back to our attention. We tried it together and the chemistry just was NOT there.

We tried it again.

AGAIN.

It was really kind of heartbreaking not to have this connection with your own husband, yanno?

He wasn’t thrilled about it, but for D/s purposes, my happiness, and our happiness together as a couple, he agreed to let me have an outside Dom. I was able to play. I was able to connect. It was a huge start.

Now things have progressed – SLOWLY.

Anyone who knows…. KNOWS.

We have our OWN way of doing things and it works for US.

The bottom line is this… I am an adult who has commitments. 

I don’t find explaining my commitments complicated to you at all.


If you become involved with me:


My needs for D/s, S&M, etc has nothing to do with how much I love my husband. 

I am not getting a divorce.

I do not have to share details of my family life with you.

I don’t mind answering any questions that you might have though, because everyone has a right to know what they’re getting into, both emotionally and physically.

You have no authority over my family life.

However, if we were to become involved, any rules that you’ve set in place for me when we are apart will be followed to the best of my ability. Work with me?

Family life over-rules everything. I need someone who is mature enough to understand that families have different levels of crisis a day. Anything from having to run last minute errands and doctor’s appointments to keeping a friend’s kid while they do the same thing. Before we are Doms, subs, Switches, etc… we are people. We are Dads, Moms, kids, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and Friends. We are important to other people as well. My immediate family has to have me when they have to have me.

I will never argue this with you.

I don’t believe I should ever have to. The type of person who gets me and my time will understand that it’s a valuable commodity just as I will do with them. Every second counts. Every minute is precious. I will make time for you. I will be there.

If you want something badly enough, you make it happen.

All that being said - 

When I’m yours, I’m yours and you know exactly what you get.

You’ll also be damn lucky to get it.  

~TheSinDoll

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