New To BDSM? Archives - The Sin Doll

Sex Toy Gun

New To BDSM?, Rants, Sex Toys, Shit Gets On My Nerves 3 Responses »

Oct 242014

Yesterday I was on my Fetlife account. I was scrolling through someone’s pictures. One popped up with the caption “Daddy’s new prize for me!” Her new prize was a bit. It was covered in some type of yellowed, plastic-ish thing. What… wha… o.O. So it’s brand new, and it’s yellow-ing-ish. I wish I had the picture, but I wasn’t just going to take it off her page. I shook that one off and continued to peruse.

The next one was j…j…jelly.

whispers

There was no condom.

She was sucking on it.

Grabs my pearls.

And then she put it in her vagina.

All the jelly. In the vagina.

Suck up those phthalates, Darling, suck ‘em up.

Then I realized, there are a ton of kinksters that have no idea what they’re getting into when they buy sex toys. We can tell how well a flogger is made. We examine the falls and the leather. Feel the deer, or bull it might be made of. Even the weight of the thing. We can examine a spanking bench, a single tail, and a bull whip.But some of these same people will yank out a jelly dong because it feel good. Maybe they don’t care. Maybe they don’t know.

I have the most ridiculous thoughts sometimes. Why can’t Lilly make a tiny sex toy gun that I could keep in my pocket. I could shoot the taser at all the toys. The gun would leave the good ones and the bad ones would disappear up in smoke. Seriously, the uneducated need the quick and dirty about what they should and should not be putting in their bodies.

I’ve seen a lot of players who want to use their sex toys on someone else during a scene. Not on me, Sugar. I suggest kinksters begin bringing their own safe, sex toys to be used only on themselves during play. Now I carry every kinky toy that I own, plus any sex toys I might need. I know what I have is safe. It’s clean. Any partner I have can work with what I bring. If they can’t find something in that big box of sin, then God love ‘em.

A is for Aftercare

A Time Of Sin, Aftercare, New To BDSM? 2 Responses »

Oct 072014

A is for Aftercare:

I never felt comfortable asking for aftercare. I was of the thought that if the D-type that I played with offered aftercare, then I would gladly accept it. I never wanted to tell anyone that I needed it. I experienced the patting of arms on backs in an insincere, sideways hug. No actual comfort exchanged. A show for those who no longer noticed.

The thought of someone counting the minutes as they offered disingenuous support made me throw up a little in my mouth. Hence, I wasn’t going to ask anyone for anything. Besides, I didn’t know any aftercare etiquette. Was there aftercare etiquette? With a little research during conversations, the answer continued to remain relative to each person’s needs, and the situation.

Sometimes a fucking amazing scene can clean me out. I’ve seen myself in a mirror. My make-up is always exactly 3 inches to the right of where I originally applied it. I don’t drink water like a normal person. It dribbles down one side of my chin or another. I don’t need to sit down. I need to lay down. Hair up, off my neck. On my belly, spread out. I’m a hot mess. I didn’t need aftercare then. I needed Jesus.

Once, I stayed in suspension for almost an hour while friends were inside, partying. When I was earthbound, I couldn’t have been any more chill had I smoked the rope. The only aftercare I needed was a seat on the couch and my friends to entertain me.

That’s not to say that I’ve worked past “how to do aftercare.” I have 352 unanswered questions about aftercare. Here’s what I do know. Pre-scene, I never know if I’ll want it or not. Sorry, that’s no help. Doms that expect me to be up and off to get the cleaning materials, water for him, cleaning the furniture, we probably can’t play. Nothing against those D-types, but I want to enjoy what ever space that I’m in. That’s hard to do when you’re swallowing it, walking in one shoe towards the water table.

Sexual Fantasy

Communication, Fantasy, New To BDSM? 2 Responses »

Mar 312014

Wikipedia describes a sexual fantasy as “a mental image or pattern of thought that stirs a person’s sexuality and can create or enhance sexual arousal. A sexual fantasy resides entirely in a person’s mind and can be created by the person’s imagination, mental recollection or thought.”

Sexual fantasies are completely normal. You can question your fantasies. I’m sure many people do. Ask yourself what shapes them; but there’s nothing’s wrong with having them. And there’s nothing wrong with talking about them.

Sharing doesn’t come easy for everyone, and it doesn’t have to. Some people store their erotic worlds away and save them for themselves. They have a defined place that their mind goes during sexual encounters.

But what happens when you want to bring a fantasy to life? Sometimes chasing a fantasy can feel like trying to grab a handful of wind. Having a partner who you trust completely is a big plus. You’re really in the running if they are as interested in it as you.

Having a partner or finding one for your fantasy scene should be completely open for all of those involved. Communication is everything, right? Unfortunately, bringing to life those moments that you’ve created in your mind might be difficult to do. So, what happens when fantasy becomes a reality?

If the scene you set up wasn’t quite what you bargained for, is your fantasy over? Do you ever have it again; or is it ruined for you? If acting out the erotic fantasy comes off without a hitch, do you go back for more?

A BDSM Checklist

BDSM, New To BDSM? 1 Response »

Feb 072014

A checklist is extremely helpful to anyone involved in the BDSM community, especially those new to it. It’s simply a list of fetishes that you may or may not find interesting. With a good checklist, you can choose activities that you’ve tried and how much you liked or disliked an activity, usually based on a numeric scale. You can also rate each one as hard limits or soft limits.

You can exchange checklists with a potential play partner so that they have all of your desired play information. It’s a helpful way to kick off negotiations before you begin a scene.

The more you play and grow in the lifestyle, you may develop different feelings about what you’ve chosen on your checklist. Feel free to update it! The best checklist that I’ve found is at CEPE. It’s very thorough. You can download it. You can print it.

Feel free with the Q&A!

The Honest Answer to A Hometown Form Letter

A Time Of Sin, BDSM, New To BDSM?, Shit Gets On My Nerves No Responses »

May 172013

Hi,

I know you’re new, so I’m going to be blunt from the start. Don’t send those form emails out to chicks in town and hope to get a bite from a few.

If you’re just looking to fuck, go ahead. Because your approach comes off straight-up AOL Chatroom, A/S/L and everything. Then again, some girls are looking for that, too.

If you’re really trying to learn about BDSM, if you’ve got some fetishes that you’re into, and you want to talk about them with other kinky people; you’ve found the right place.

One more thing, do us all a favor. If you really are just wanting to get laid, make it known. If you talk to a someone, and you see that they want to learn and need some guidance, point her this way.

Please …just don’t fuck her up.

I Hate Aftercare

A Time Of Sin, Aftercare, New To BDSM? No Responses »

Dec 172012

I don’t know how many times that I’ve recently told a new s-type or even a new D-type that aftercare is an important part of a scene. Some people may not need it at all, but it’s still important to ask. It’s not something that you want falling on your head after a wonderful scene… or especially after a shitty one.

I played a lot this weekend. It was actually the first time that I’ve played in quite a while. It was definitely the first time I’ve played to that extent. I’ve scened in ways that others in our group have not. Our local group is fairly new and still growing in numbers and experience. I want our members to have every opportunity available. I want everyone to learn and grow because that’s why they’re coming out.

In the years since I’ve been playing, I’ve made sure not to hold back on telling the people in the group stories about “I wish I would have known”.

Know what you want.

I know what I want.

Don’t be afraid to speak up.

I’m not afraid to speak up.

Somewhere in there, in telling everyone what they could do, what they had the right to do – I lost myself for a minute. One of the last things that I had discovered about myself before I took a break from playing was discovering the need I have when it comes to my own aftercare. I spent a good amount of time with that fucking aftercare battle. Through trial and error, that was the only thing missing and the only thing that worked when I got it. Unfortunately, I never asked for it, but I learned that I needed the fuck out of it.

My recent play has taught me a few things. One of them being – I can take a lot more pain than I thought. For some reason, I equated what I took, with what I needed. I never once mentioned my aftercare. I just kept right on going. I slipped right back into that old mentality. Hell, maybe I thought I was cured from needing aftercare! Like… if you get to a certain point and you won’t need it anymore. I think it’s much more likely that this was the first few times that I was being tested on something that I knew I needed to do… and I failed. I didn’t open up. I was a fucking stone. Stones sink.

I won’t safeword.

I don’t need anything.

….and I didn’t.

This weekend I let someone else have my aftercare. I saw it. I never spoke up. That part of me slipped right back in and I never realized it and I never questioned it. I just slowly…sank. It was something that I thought I had overcome. Obviously not, but now I know. Now I’ll fight the shell that it used to put myself in. I know better, and I believe that’s a step in the right direction, but that shitty way that it makes you feel – I can’t make that go away. I keep asking myself why …Why did I not notice, speak up, go to someone – anyone?

I hate aftercare.

Instincts

Instincts, Meme, New To BDSM?, Safety, Wicked Wednesday 8 Responses »

May 132012

“Can I ask you something? Why don’t people trust their instincts? They sense something’s wrong. Someone’s walking too close behind them, yet they don’t cross the street. You knew something was wrong . You even knew what it was, but you came back into the house. Did I force you? Did I grab you and drag you in? I just offered you a drink.

You’d never think the fear of offending could be stronger than the fear of pain – but you know what? It is. They always come willingly. And then they’re here. They know it’s over like you do, and still somehow think they have a chance.” “Maybe if I say the right thing – if I’m polite – or I cry and beg – maybe I’ll survive.”

“And then the moment comes when they realize … no, all hope is gone. And when that happens – when I see the hope draining from their face like it is from yours right now — well, I feel myself getting hard just watching it. But you know, we’re not that different, you and I. We both have urges. Satisfying mine just requires more towels.”

– Martin Vanger, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Listen to it. No second guesses. Don’t question what it is, or where it’s coming from. Don’t even ask why it’s speaking to you. You have time to analyze all of those things later. Once your instincts have spoken, respond.

Don’t look around for things that might be out of place, because you might not find anything. Don’t stick around “just to make sure.” At that point, you’re just attempting to lull yourself into a false sense of security. That includes turning to the other party for any kind of assurance. They are the person your instincts are alerting you about in the first place.

What are you afraid of, exactly?

A missed opportunity? – There will be others.

Word of your anxious behavior slipping through social circles? – There is no blame in listening to your instincts, never heard of it happening.

Never be invited to parties or group functions? – Unlikely.

Does the desire to be accepted over-ride the notion that you may not be able to trust the person in front of you? Do you think that offending someone is worth the chance that someone might not be who you think they are? Why take the chance? Why gamble? If you irk someone, so what? You’re safe. You’re also more in-tune with your instincts.

You are not expected to harbinger whether or not another person is safe for all others. No one expects you to be able to take your decision to the masses to defend it. You only need to listen.

Your instincts are your own.

Use them.

The Trust Issue

A Time Of Sin, New To BDSM?, Trust No Responses »

May 102010

Trust is like a piece of paper, once it’s been crumpled up, it can never be completely flattened out again. It can never be thin and perfect. It can never flutter beautifully and be new. It’s it’s used and creased in a thousand places. Any tiny emotion can hide and fester in the many crevices. Thus begins …The Trust Issue.

I have to wonder if trust will ever stay fully intact (like that perfect sheet of paper) in any kind of real, long-lasting, honest relationship. There are bound to be a few, if even unintentional, dents and dings to it from time to time. It takes strength to stay with someone when the flowers aren’t in full bloom.

It’s often easier to give someone a second chance than to face the fact that once trust is gone, it’s incredibly hard to get back. The question of whether or not you can trust again can come quickly into play. Often, as soon as an incident has occurred and before both parties (especially the offended party) has time to process the incident; and the many emotions relating to it. One has to recover from the incident which caused the dents and dings to begin with.

Cry.

Be angry.

Get some space.

There’s no pressure to commit to jumping back into trusting anyone. Take your time and feel each emotion associated with the incident that occurred. Don’t let anything fester inside you that might resurface later and turn into baggage, poisoning relationships in the future.

Personally, I just need some time to hurt before I can think about giving someone the chance to dent me again. The fact that you can stay after any ding or dent to the trust that’s already been established says that you have confidence in what you’ve built together. It says that you believe that whatever might have happened to cause the dings or dents in the trust that you had originally built weren’t done maliciously and can be forgiven in hopes of better things to come.

I found myself thinking about how one might prevent from subconsciously building a wall there to guard against any bigger damage. How do you not replay and then resent the dings and dents until you find yourself making them bigger? I think taking your time and working through them is the best answer. If you really want something, you have to work for it, right?

It ain’t easy to invest in another person, especially when they’re asking you and really wanting you to say ‘yes,’ and everyone knows that it’s always harder to tell someone ‘no’, regardless if it’s better for you in the long run. Let’s face it, the majority of us tend to think with our hearts. We give in.

Instead, let me ask you this… “Why should I offer anymore of myself into someone who threw away my initial investment?” It pretty much goes against everything I preach to my mirror about self worth and the importance of knowing who you are and what you stand for. Where do you draw the line? Who do you cross that line for?

“Truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”~ Bob Marley